Hey-ho kidlets, God I realize how bad I am this when I begin each and every post with a preamble about how sorry I am.
Well not today, I’ve got the flu (again) so I have a chronic case of bitch-face, coupled with a lousy sense of boundaries and civility.
This morning I got to become an expert on GPS and RADAR guidance system legality on imported goods. Now boring as that appears to be, this kind of information is solid gold in awkward silences. I mean who doesn’t want to sit next to the person snotting into their beer, who turns a red-rimmed hooded eye to you and says in a voice hoarse from coughing and heavy from mucous “Yo buddy, did you know the FDA approved 35 new drugs in 2011, that’s 15 more than in 2010, and those figures are based on the Fiscal calendar, not the annual one, oh yeah…” at which point I charmingly fall into unconsciousness and whack my head against the bar top then decorously crumble to the floor.
Oh yeah, what’s not to like. Anyway, this week I have a seminar and a conference, to explain the difference, a seminar eats up a couple of hours of my time and I have to look presentable for it, a conference takes up at least one day and requires me to look like a team of Hollywood make-up artists have been primping and polishing me since dawn, while I run around ensuring the conferenciers are not chewing on electric cables, beating each other with their iPads, and generally not peeing on anything ( swear to god, juiced-up business douches are worse than 4 year olds). So this afternoon I get to have a super early lunch and then buzz off to a conference about the role of ‘ knowledge-intensive business services’ which as far as I can tell means “telling people what they should do”. Which is funny, because my job is nothing like that.
In fact usually I tell people what not to do. Due to the impartial nature of my job, and the fact that we are not diplomatically chained, I get to tell people how bad their ideas really are. In a totally polite and non-cruel way… most of the time. I mean once in a while when someone call up and says “I WANNA SELL MY CAR” and I explain that we don’t that and they should call a car dealership and the response is “I WANNA SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER”. This makes me laugh, because a) I’m the head of the damn investment section & of PR, and b) because my directors told me to hang up on a**holes like that because it’s a waste of time. SO, what I tend to do is to pretend I misheard them and say “Ok then, it was lovely talking to you too, bye!” then hang up. If they call back, I put them on hold, forever. I mean I will put them on hold until the end of the working day. I will put the phone on answer machine and leave them there. If they cannot guess that we do not deal in used cars from our business name, then they deserve all the pain they can get (I’ll explain that my business is essentially called ‘Big-Business Trade: from Country A to Country B). It really is quite obvious what we do from the name. I really resent having the switchboard phone, yeah sure it means I’m aware of what everyone is doing, but also means I get the douchetards who have somehow managed to divine how to use a phone and more impressively, make outgoing calls.
Now I hear you ruminating back there. PR… and yet I seem to hate people. Well you’re right and wrong. I hate people who want me to do things that have no purpose for free. Now all of the facilities my company offers are for free, BUT and this is a big ‘ole but, they create jobs, trade, investment, and help the global economy. So when faced with people who can make this happen, I am a dream. I walk on soft clouds, I gleam like I am enlightened by the strength of a thousand glowing moons, I am gentle as a summer breeze, and as warm and delicious smelling as the air from a bakery. I am a goddamn sight to behold. I’m good at schmoozing, which is comical considering how hard I find it to make friends. However when working I put on the war-paint, and I make things happen.
Now that I’ve told you how sick I am, how mean I am, and why I haven’t been fired. I think I’ll call it quitsies for today and go check on my lunch.