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Business Engagements and My Impersonation of an Adult

Boys and Girls this week will be an adventure in corporate whore-mongering. Sadly I’m pretty terrible at this.

Well do ah punk?

I’m currently, or rather procrastinating-ly, supposed to be writing a presentation for a scoping exercise for Wednesday morning. Problem is, I’m not 100% on what exactly it is we’re scoping. Nor how the hell I’m going to write about this stuff, or present it. Tomorrow I’m attending the first day of an international trade exhibition (to which My bosses and I are going to for free- because we’re important I guess), the exhibition is three days long but we’re just going for two days, tomorrow to ‘scope’ it, and Wednesday to meet with the organizers and tell them how they can facilitate our job so that we can facilitate theirs.  Sadly I don’t know how that is going to work. Which is a pity as I know neither of my bosses will do diddly about that, so it’s left to me. Somehow I need to prepare handouts and information packs that are vague enough for me to not misdirect them but pertinent enough for them to think I know what I’m doing.

Misdirection: eating tons of bamboo to hide your craving for human flesh

Added to this is the fact that Tuesday evening I have a cocktail evening with a firm of lawyers (of whom I know only one person), they won’t know who I am so I’m going to have to do the jumping into the pool full of sharks thing and hope they don’t like how I taste while also promoting my company. I’m extra nervous about this one due mainly to the fact that it is my Mom’s old law firm; she will be interrogating me like a KGB agent in front of a capitalist pig-dog. I’m imagining bright lights, sleep-deprivation, starvation and possibly some mild electrocution until I divulge all I know to her.

"Mommy PLEASE!!!! I'll tell you!!!!"

Wednesday evening there is a cocktail part for the Exhibition so I have to attend that too. I’m a great believer in ‘fake it until you make it’ which will be my technique for everything this week. Somehow though I still feel a little nauseous about having to introduce myself, and the company, 80 or so times to a group of complete strangers: with no back-up whatsoever.

Rhinojets, I think they adequately count as mechanized reinforcements, don'tcha think?

As eloquent as I am when I am using smack-talk, I become a monosyllabic sloth with a stutter when I need to focus on conveying information to people I have never been introduced to (or worse; that I have had to introduce myself to, ye gads!)

Added to all this stress of presentations, scoping, and cocktail evenings is the fact that I have to write up everything for the office, who I meet what we talk about, whether they are useful for the company, the kicker being that after speaking to someone for exactly 25 seconds I forget their name. My jacket ends up full of business cards of faceless people of whom I have little or no recollection of. Credit to me though, my write-ups always look flawless, I’m a natural storyteller and I find it easy to make stories up about people of whom I have little information. Also Google and Linked-in really help with the whole ‘ WTF did that guy look like?’

" the guy looked like he would be at home in a box and his business card just said 'Iroquois Plisskin' "

The point of this rambling, meandering, point-evasive post, I can totally do this, but sending me some pro-tips wouldn’t hurt… Thanks!

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About nemhulye

Born circa 1980 something.

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