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Conference of derangement

I’ve been pretty lax about writing recently I owe you a post for Friday one for Monday and one for today. Things have been pretty busy at work (wow again with that… how imaginative I am!)

On Thursday I went to the most bizarre conference I have had the miserable task to attend. It was a fashion industry based conference. We basically encourage people to invest in Japan by opening up branches or selling their commodities on the Japanese market, using us as a brokering firm and aiding them with issues such as visas, notaries etc. EXCEPT none of that came across.

Yes, that's exactly what it was like, except no hotdogs or beer.

I went with the Director and K2, why it took three of us I’ll never know. We arrived just before the conference broke for lunch so we had a large free lunch and chit-chatted about our winter breaks. When they did break for lunch we had a great time people spotting because, well because these people were dressed by Lady Gaga.

We were wearing sports jackets and looking like your typical office-types, they looked like they had been designed by first year fashion students.

A few notable ones: Mr. Knitted sweater, not only was he wearing a knitted sweater the knitted logo was that of a unicorn, with a gigantic schlong. This sweater was combined with a face that was sooo full of metal I couldn’t believe he would ever be allowed through airport security, oh and he was wearing black cargo pants cut off at the knee with combat boots. I means seriously? The early 90s called and they’re sending Courtney love to get her stuff back! Admittedly I wore stuff like that, but you know what, I was 10, and I wasn’t at a business investment seminar.

Totally appropriate to meet people who are helping you open up a business, and to ask funding in... oh wait, wrong jpeg

Second notable fashion WTF: Miss-communicate, now she obviously wanted to be avant-garde, as the hair gel-ed into a faux hawk and the panda-eye makeup indicated, the black lipstick was a little much, and the turquoise floor length ballgown that you painted a skull on, was just… unnecessary. I mean my eyes had just adjusted to your somber face and then SHABLAMO!!! SO MUCH TURQUOISE. Also I don’t mean to come off as the douchey type, but lady, you were 40lbs too heavy to wear that dress especially without your bra. And the skull lost its shape because your boobs made the eye sockets pop out….

Excuse me miss, your hair is running away from your makeup, also your hair is.... ridiculous.

And finally, the girl who thought she was in a John Hughes movie and was trying so hard to be Molly Ringwald. From the ill-fitting tweed jacket, to the hideous white fedora hat with a pink sash round it, to the Ace Ventura pink tutu, and the way-too-busy- tights in yellow, everything was just wrong. Also,  I don’t mind that you loudly popped gum all the way through the presentation, but did you really have to wear the ridiculous high heels which made you fall over twice (that I saw).

Actually I take it back, Ace is way better dressed than she was. And his hair is less retarded.

The rest just looked like the person who dressed them had ignored the person accessorizing them, there was an adorable girl who chatted to me, wearing a bright red skirt that floofed out, a cute little black sweater, and penis shaped earrings. WTF, I apologise but as soon as I realized they were intentionally penis-shaped I quit listening, which is unfortunate because you seemed nice. The best dressed guy was wearing a smoking jacket and matching dress pants. I honestly thought he was going to be a young Hugh Heffner, suaveness, and chic, then I got closer and realized it was not navy blue, it was denim. HE MADE HIMSELF A SUIT MADE OF DENIM.

He took this ^ and hillbilly-ed it up, like a pro.

It’s one thing to dress like that when it’s in context, but this was a business investment seminar in a conservative and expensive hotel, you could have at least looked like you didn’t just beam down from the Starship Hipster. I can see the crew scrabbling on deck “Captain we have no intel on the appropriate stylistic setting of early 21st century customs and clothing? What should we do??” In that moment the intrepid captain had a stroke of genius, or maybe just a stroke. “We’ll dress them in anything we can find, have the replicators make obscene jewellery, we know what people liked in the stupid ages”

"Aye Cap'n ah mightav had a wee dram, but no one'll notice sir! 'Onesht"

That is the only logical explanation I’ve come up with so far. As you can tell I didn’t try too hard. Back to the seminar itself. After lunch we set up the projector for our massively-long presentation. Let me begin with this. Powerpoint is a crutch for those who do not know they’re subject. It is a pointless visualization for those too lazy to pay attention. If you want to engage your audience a hand-out with bullet points is enough, they can fill in the information themselves. Powerpoints are code for “go the eff to sleep so I can pretend we all did real good and I care”.

So does: failure, fashion, business, and holocaust.

Having worked on the technical slides depicting complex graphs, I thought these would be elaborated upon, and the illustrations, were exactly that, illustrations of the market share of fashion and apparel in Japan. Actually no. The slide was dissected, but not in the way you think. K2 read every slide out loud, without adding anything new. She read the header, the info and the source, and moved on. I have never been so unbearably bored in all my life. Scooping out my eyeballs with the complimentary pen was the best way out. I don’t think anyone listened to us.

If you take your fingers out your ears I won't beat you with this complimentary chair!

Which is a shame because most of those weirdly dressed hobo-esque, fashion divas really need the business consultation sector. I would be surprised if they can figure out the forms for company registration, visa queries and real estate in Japan, let alone point to it on a map.

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About nemhulye

Born circa 1980 something.

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