As I said yesterday I’m attempting to write down things which are neither related to my job nor related to X-mas this week as the torrent of those posts is just getting out of hand.
So yesterday was a pretty rainy day. I forgot my umbrella, of course, because when I left the house it was sunny, halfway to work, the heavens opened and emptied on me. YAY. So I spent most of my morning soaked and dripping at my desk. By the time quitting time came round the rain had decided to re-start so as I headed out into the rainy dusk I was feeling pretty miserable. That is until I got hit by a car!!!!
I’ve always wanted to be hit by a car, it’s on my to-do-list and has been since I was little.
Oh wait, NO IT HASN’T, BECAUSE BEING HIT BY A CAR F*CKING SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now I admit I frequently bend the traffic laws to breaking point, but as I’m a pedestrian that really doesn’t have too much of an impact. Mainly because if I bump into someone they will end up with me falling over, looking awkward, apologizing profusely and maybe if they’re hot, offering coffee to make up for it. I jay walk when no ones around, I cross when it’s red for me and there are no cars around. I go up one –way streets the wrong way, because I figure it’s for automobiles not people in sneakers. BUT during rush hour I am a goody-goody. I wait at lights despite torrential rain. I cross in designated areas. I wait. I submit myself to the law and I am a model citizen.
So when I got hit by a mother*cking Mercedes on a cross walk when the pedestrian light was green, I got pissed off.
Okay it’s raining real hard, but the guy in front of you nearly hit me!!! HE HAD TO BREAK!! HE APOLOGISED HE LOOKED GUILTY. AND SO HE WAS, HE WAS MAKING AN ILLEGAL TURN DURING THE ‘WALK’ SIGN!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BUT YOU SIR, YOU SAW ALL THIS. AND THEN YOU HIT ME WITH YOUR CAR. BY MAKING THE SAME F*CKING ILLEGAL TURN!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IN FACT YOU ACCELERATED FROM THE STATIONARY POSITION YOU WERE IN TO HIT ME. YOU SAW THE GUY IN FRONT NEARLY HIT ME AND THOUGHT IT WAS A GOOD F*CKING IDEA??????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!
I also really appreciated the apology I made up from you as you didn’t bother to give me one yourself. I made it heartfelt and kind and acquiescing to your many faults. Something you obviously didn’t have time to do Mr. shiny-car-*sshole-pretentious-douchebag-driver.
How stressful it must have been for you to have me bouncing off the hood of your car. I really hope I didn’t scratch the paint job with my head. Also I’m sorry I kicked your fender. I really should learn to control my anger. You did the right thing driving off as fast as you could. It demonstrated to me how I should have got your number and called the cops immediately. Hit and runs are illegal d-bag. If by some miracle I one day encounter you again I will cut off your eyelids and make you watch back to back episodes of Jersey shore and 16 and pregnant until your skin turns orange and your brain melts out of your ears.
I will make it my personal mission to illustrate to the world your douchebaggery. I will find your wife and destroy your marriage. I will find your kids and brain wash them into hating you. I will turn every person you care about against you. I will scratch every car you own, I will put holes in every condom you wear. I will destroy any and all business endeavors you propose to make to win back your destroyed life. I will break you.
Sadly I didn’t get your plates. Sadly, you didn’t injure me enough to be a submissive shell-shocked pile of shivering stress. Sadly the world is imperfect. I’m not letting it go though; I know what you look like. If I ever see you again. I’m getting an apology from you, in blood. You c*ck-licking-sh*t-humping-*ss-sniffing-sh*tstack.
To everyone who had to read this, sorry. I may be a little angry today.