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and it came to pass

It has happened, as I knew it would. I’m sick.

This is how I felt when everyone was telling me they felt sick, now I'm one of them 😦

Saturday night B told me of the flu that’s going round, which B then promptly coughed on me. Sunday and yesterday I was fine. This morning I woke up with swollen glands (to the one med student who reads this- yes, sub-mandibular gland!). I mean c’mon!!  My glands are the size of tennis balls, stuck to my head. Then I got up and realized the whole of my spine was in on the joke. My head decided to pretend to spin round like the girl from The Exorcist, and aside from liquids I can’t swallow anything.

I'm trippin' balls....

I get sick a couple of times a year, usually one cold in summer and one in winter. Aside from one bout of food poisoning from a welcome home dinner (boy did that dinner backfire!) I have stuck to that. I usually work through the sickness with a bunch of over the counter drugs, and a good dose of home remedies. This morning I lathered myself in red tiger balm, the ride up in the elevator was awkward as the red turns yellow on my light skin and I stank of camphor and mint. I think we were all relieved when we reached the end of that ride. I should remind you, my colleagues are too polite to make any comment that they deem personal. I think telling me I’m yellow and smell of medicine is too much for them.

"Dear God the jaundiced freak stinks of Vicks!!!!! It's like you ate every mint that ever lived!!!!!!!!!!!"

So tonight the meal is by default going to be chicken noodle soup, with excessive amounts of chili in it, and my old school infusion of lemon, honey, and loose rooibos, oh and the 600mg of codeine I mash into it.

Drugs make coffee awesomer

I know a lot of people are into the homeopathic remedies, “You should totally just sneeze and then dilute that! I swear it works!”. Or the ones who have home-made remedies that no one has tried but swear by, like rubbing butter on your elbow, facing northwest and chanting into a crystal. I mean really? Does anyone believe that works? I am not going to chant away my cold. Nor is the virus intimidated by your pseudo-medicinal homeopathic remedies. I can pretty much guarantee that shoving needles all over me will p*ss me off not cure me, so  please don’t take offense when I say: Eff you and your esoteric bullcr*p.

The laying on of any hands will be followed by my laying on of my shotgun, capisce?

I know what works for me, It happens to be drugs, garlic, honey, lemon and a f*ckton of liquids. So that is how I will be curing myself all week. Having said that, I should tell you that my chicken noodle soup is like the tears of a unicorn, beautiful, moving and cures a lot of what ails ya’. If there’s any interest I can put up a recipe for it.

I was surprised when an image came up for this, pleasantly surprised.

I realize I’ve told you not to help me out with chanting, crystals, burning effigies of a flu virus, and generally being a supercilious douche-face, but if you guys have any ‘cures’ or symptom killers that work, I’m more than happy to hear them, and try them.

A friend of mine swears by fresh fruit blended in milk, but the last thing I want when I’m sick is something cold with the consistency of snot. I’d like to hear what works for you, although if you just say DayQuil I reserve the right to hunt you down, kill you, eat your heart to take your strength, and then tan your hide and turn into a nice throw rug for the cabin. Seriously though I’ll pretty much try anything- unless it involves needles, pole dancing, or a gimp.

I already feel like I'm breathing like Butch and Wallace, I don't need to have a gimp in on this too.

On that note I’m off for some codeine and caffeine.


About nemhulye

Born circa 1980 something.

3 responses to “and it came to pass

  1. Sita

    Add some freshly grated ginger into your chicken noodle soup: it’ll taste potentially awesomer, and ginger has great flu-fighting properties. Pinky swear!

  2. Sita

    At yo’ service!

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