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Is Turducken hard to do?

For those of you who have no American pop culture, are staunchly anti-American, or who just don’t see the point of another fall holiday dedicated to stuffing ones face have fun doing nothing tonight. Like me. Although I might make myself a mini Thanksgiving of my own. Yes, I am that level of pathetic. There’s a thanksgiving dinner tomorrow, but I’m not invited to it. Not that I know the person who is throwing it, but still!

This is an accurate representation of (my understanding of) the holiday of Thanksgiving.

So as I’m doing nothing, who wants to suggest a movie, series or other distraction, that could make my depressing turkey day move faster, or less laboriously, across to a brighter tomorrow? All suggestions are welcome. I’m thinking of watching ‘Cemetery Man’ as I’ve been putting it off since Halloween. Any further suggestions?

Corpses come back from the dead, I'll give thanks for that, wait. I meant... no....

Has anyone here ever missed a holiday they liked? I told you about the Christmas my family didn’t have. NYE is usually a free-for-all wherever anyone is. Easter I haven’t celebrated since I was 16. Halloween I celebrate on and off since forever. I’ve also missed more of my own birthdays than I’d care to admit due to travelling on the day, being in hospital for stupid injuries, taking exams, working or other cr*p that stops me from celebrating. Also my Mom forgot my birthday 4 times. Not that I’m angry or anything, but I’m the only one of her three kids who has had their birthday forgotten. To me it happened four times, the other two not once… what the hell. The amount she complains about my behavior you think she’d remember the day I waltzed in and messed things up. BUT NOOOOOOO! My brother is also glorious at that, every freaking year he tries, and fails. This year he was so sure, he got an audience of his buddies, and said “Of course I know when you’re birthday is! It’s the 6th of May!” WRONG. “It’s not??? You sure??? Okay, is it the 26th of June?” WRONG! “Um… is it the 19th of July?” What eff??? Seriously, every time he guessed he got further from the actual date. I have the pride of knowing and remembering when every member of my direct family was born. I also know pretty much when my cousins, uncle, aunt and grandma were all born; despite the fact my grandma is a tumescent boil of a human being.

Everytime you attempt to show how much you care, you illustrate how little you do. That's what family is all about!

I say that in all honesty. Everyone has these grey, wrinkly, slightly racist grandparents. Who, despite the overwhelming musk of death and prunes, are pretty nice. My Grandma is the most devious, conniving, misogynistic, two-faced, sanctimonious old bat you ever met. Not only does she hate me and my sister for no logical reason, she also makes it clear the ranking her grandchildren come in, while all the while preaching her pseudo-biblical opinions that we are all equal in the eyes of ‘who-the-eff-cares’. I am number four of five. Last place goes to my sister because she has a nose-ring, works in a bar, and wears clothes that have high hemlines and are pink and fluffy.

This post has kind of deviated, but I’m gonna’ roll with it. I see other people with their grandparents and I am always envious. The hard candy, the twinkling smiles, the references to Matlock that I just don’t get. I guess my real problem is that my Grandma is the only grandparent I ever got to know, and she turned out to be a cantankerous b*tch. Both my grandfathers died before my parents even married so I didn’t know either of them. My dad claims his father was aloof in the kind of way displaced middle European aristocrats were during the late 1940s. My mom paints her father as a long-suffering survivor of my evil grandmother’s insanity, which I have to be honest, knowing her as I do I can see it. My other grandma died when I was 6, she was cool, she used to get me out of all the trouble I used to get myself into. When she was around I didn’t get spanked, because my dad towering over her tiny 4’11 was still afraid he wasn’t too old for his own spanking.

" And that, Sonny, is how I massacred a whole enemy platoon by using nothing but my wits and a pack of candy." Grandpa Macguyver would have the pest stories.

Okay, now somehow I’m going to link the two ends of this post because I really don’t see a normal flow here. It seems to just be random themes interconnecting wildly.

Thanksgiving, family, grandparents, there is an After School Special in here somewhere. I just gotta’ find it. Oh, I know, you should all make the most of Thanksgiving, and I hope that you spend it with the members of your family that you like. Remember, if you really don’t like Great-aunt Millicent, you can always spike her punch with drain cleaner; you aren’t in her will anyway.

"Eff you, ther's no way I'm giving you my pot-sticker recipe now, you carpet-bagger, ingrate, libertine!" Golly gosh, I can't wait for Christmas.

Happy Turkey Day (and Happy-last-free-weekend-not-dedicated-to-Christmas-shopping!)


About nemhulye

Born circa 1980 something.

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