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Self-help yourself!

How I generally feel about all self-help books....

I’ve noticed a common trend in Blogs, explaining the goddamn obvious. How is it people have been on this earth for a certain amount of time and yet still have serious issues dealing with the most basic aspect of their lives? It makes little to no sense to me. So in the spirit of imparting to you the basic things you should have known since kindergarden here is a list of basic cr*pola you should have been able to work out for yourself. But didn’t, you idiot self-help reading noob.

1)       Have a plan, even if it changes and mutates.

2)       Stick to your plan, like freaking superglue.

3)       If you’re unhappy, Barney Stinson yourself.

4)       Don’t lose the people you care about, you’ll need them later.

I’ll expand a little on these points:

Having a plan. Whether it is a detailed financial budget of your fiscal year, A Stalinist 5 year plan of your love life/ annexation of a neighboring state, or a plan to go to the store and get yourself a pack of peanuts, is important. My plan is and has been for some time, to live somewhere where I am happy. Vague, I’ll admit, but I haven’t achieved it yet.

This is a plan of my lunches for the week, nice and simple.

Why is it important? Well, it’s important because it gives you a focus. Imagine life with no focus. You wouldn’t eat sleep, or go anywhere because you wouldn’t have priorities so you’d die. That’s how stupid you are if you have no focus. You are not that stupid, when you’re hungry you plan to eat and you follow through. This is the same idea but for your life. You may not know what you want precisely, but you know the kind of thing you want. I want to travel so I got a job. I prioritized. “But you didn’t get what you wanted!!!” I know jack-wang; I’m getting to that in my next part.

Sticking to your plan. Goddamn it, if you want those peanuts get them. If you don’t have the means to acquire them, then get the means to acquire them and get them, no matter how long it takes. My ultimate goal is to be happy, what makes me happy? Travelling, for work, or pleasure. So I got a job, which doesn’t involve travel. Why? Simple, doucheface, I need money, money equals travelling expenses and apartment while I look for a job in a new place. If it takes me 10 years, 20 jobs and 8 countries to travel and be happy so be it.

This picture is irrelevant, I just like it. Oh wait, glue, stick, yeah that's a tenuous link but I'll take it!

Why is it important? If your plan were unimportant to you, you wouldn’t have made it. Don’t let life get in the way of living your life. Again, I would have thought this was obvious but hey if it needs reiterating I will reiterate it over and over, until it sticks. I your plan changes that’s okay, priorities change, but if you plan was to surf the waves of every ocean in the world and you blow out your knee, marry and have kids, don’t give up on surfing. Sure you may not be getting what you wanted, but don’t give up on surfing because it didn’t turn out exactly as you planned.

Barney Stinson. Do what makes you feel good. I cannot emphasize this one enough. It also appears to be one of the things that nobody actually does. I mean it’s so obvious to do what makes you happy. YET people maintain the same shitty outlook/life/company etc. for decades. STOP IT! Why burden yourself with those assholes who claim to be your friends? Why keep that set of photos of yourself that you don’t like? Why hoard all those bits of paper for that scrapbook you don’t have? Your job is unrewarding and leading nowhere? Throw it all away. Stop being precious about the stuff that you don’t need or want. Sure you  may need some of those to achieve your goal, but if your goal isn’t getting any closer and you keep doing the same thing expecting different results… hate to break it you but that’s the definition of crazy and you should check yourself into a nice place with padded walls. What I’m saying is, we all think we need that one thing really badly, then it disappears, and we don’t miss it.

The only reason to watch the knock off sitcom... because he is the brony messiah!

Why is it important? My advice, for whatever it is worth, purge the stuff you don’t need. Don’t hang on to needless things, like guilt, hatred, or that ugly sweater grandma knitted. In the long run it’s never worth it. Barney Stinson said it best when he said “When I’m sad, I stop being sad and I become awesome instead”. Now although advice like this is useless for the clinically depressed among us, it is valuable in that you should let go of the stuff you can’t control and don’t need. Eff that job that sucks out your time and energy, and where you have been waiting 6 years for a promotion. Eff that relative who never has anything nice to say about you. Eff that bar you go to which overcharges you and is full of douchebags. Cut that stuff out of your life- why are you punishing yourself?

The world is going to deal you plenty of bad cards, so keep the cards that are good, and throw the rest back in the deck.

Friends, choose them wisely. This links in with the Barney Stinson one. Don’t accept second rate friends. Don’t accept bullshit terms and conditions on friends. Don’t be friends with people who make you feel cr*appy about yourself. Acquaintances are fine to have, but don’t mistake them for friends. I have many acquaintances, we drink together, go out together, talk, but never about anything important, and never about anything I wouldn’t talk to anyone about. My friends on the other hand get the 80% alc. vol. that is my subconscious. They get the gruesome details of my incredibly boring life, and they hear my corny jokes and tell me that someday I’ll be funny.

I can pick up this pencil, tell you its name is ‘Steve’ and breaks this guy in two, and part of you dies, just a little bit on the inside. Because people can connect with anything.

Why is it important? Don’t let the people you care about fade out of your life. Don’t stop writing. Don’t cut them out because of one argument. Don’t lose them due to your stubbornness. If they mean a lot to you then keep them close. I don’t mean grab them by the shoulders every time you meet them and gaze deeply into their eyes and tell them how your life without them would be flavorless and how you only live to see them again. That sh*t is not okay. But let them know you care. Write letters, send car packages, send random texts, send them a link to something that you think they’ll like. Don’t let time and distance be an excuse. You care about them, that’s enough reason to make the effort.

None of this seems like rocket science, but no one does all of them all the time. Despite the fact we should. Somehow the human race decided some time ago to be completely illogical and to screw itself up. Don’t be that guy/girl! Just don’t, I’m pretty sure you deserve a good life, so don’t let it be anything less.

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About nemhulye

Born circa 1980 something.

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