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What is up with: Pigeons?

Just realised I went the whole of yesterday on 13 posts, for those of my more superstitious readers we will call that one 12b- okay? Now stop holding your juju beads, crucifixes, and rabbit feet and come out and read this post.

I was wondering what to write about as I was walking to work this morning,  I was crossing a square a pigeon leapt in front of me and decided to walk just slow enough in front of me to slow me down, but not enough to move out of my way. I despise pigeons. Viscerally. I can’t even put my finger on a single caufor this, but like so many citizens I see them as disease ridden, flea carrying, denizens of destruction. Although seagulls are tied with pigeons for most hated spot. You guys think that too right?

If you aren't freaked out by regular pigeons, we also stock zombie-pigeons! Bringing you the eye-poppingly terrifying because we can!

Why? Why have I got something which borders on the realm ofbeing a phobia when it comes to pigeons and seagulls? My first thought is that maybe it had to do with some childhood trauma, but my only avian close encounter when I was little was being chased round the park by a swan as my Ma laughed her face off. I’m okay with swans, even their cold dead, shark-like eyes.

It was like this, except I was being chased, and there were no film cameras, or actors.

Pigeons and seagulls still petrify me, if I walk through a flock of pigeons I stiffen up as thoug I’m Maclaine in Die Hard 3 walking through Harlem with the sign on his back, there’s a decent amount of  “what the hell did I do to deserve this?”, mixed with a smidge of “I get touched imma massacre ’em” and a lot of ” please don’t, please, whatever it is, don’t, just don’t”.

I remember my Pa talking me to see an exhibition of the Romantics and Pre-Raphaelites, we walked around the gallery for about 4 hours, and afterwards he offered me a coffee and  cake. It was the beginning of spring, the darling buds of May were emerging from their long winter sleep. We placed ourselves on the terrace of the café, opposite a small park. In between us and the greenery was a steady stream of mid-day traffic. It was relaxing, just warm enough to not wear a jacket. The pastries arrived on the table, presented daintily with a cake fork at a jaunty angle, and a paper doily underneath. As we waited for the drinks to arrive, the fattest mofo-ing pigeon you ever saw landed smack-dab in the middle of my effing plate. It attempt to launch rapidly. It must have gauged the look of horror on my face and my father’s laughter because it launched itself towards my head, pastry in its grimy talons. The b*st*rd pigeon leapt towards the sky, but being hampered by a human portion of pastry he landed two feet away on the ground, taking my food with him. I hate pigeons.

Yeah, he looks dumb, until he bangs your wife, steals your car, frames you for murder, and poops on your head all in the same afternoon. F*cker.

Maybe that’s why, because they’re opportunistic thieves, and they are rotten judges of personal space and distance. I hate all those traits in people too.

Having explained all of that, to my own satisfaction if not yours, allow me to ask one simple question. First some background, pigeons are part of the Columbidae family, if you remember your high school biology you will know that within a family lie the genus and species. Easy example, family: Canidae, genus: dog, species: Labrador. Now the family that Pigeons are in includes doves. Doves are the symbol of peace, and biblically depicted as being a guide to Noah and his family. Well, eff that sh*t, they are just the KKK version of pigeons. So my question is; WHY FOR THE LOVE OF SANITY, DO YOU LAUNCH THEM AT WEDDINGS LIKE THEY ARE UNICORNS????????????

Mazeltov! Since when does John Woo direct weddings?

They are as dirty, as infested, as malignantly stupid, and as malevolent as pigeons, and yet because they have a homogenous colour they’re suddenly a-okay? People, stop it. Stop it now. I don’t want to have to ask again.

So, next time John Woo decides to launch some doves in a movie, imagine how Old Yeller would have gone if instead of a dog, Old Yeller had been a hungry coyote, that’s right he woulda eaten that family off the bat.

The director's cut of Old Yeller, was very different, with 299% more gore. (And, yes that is the original insanity wolf)

So tell me, what thing that people don’t traditionally find weird/creepy, do you find weird/creepy?

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About nemhulye

Born circa 1980 something.

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