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The one where I’m grateful I’m not in a Horror Movie…

My weekend, was a mixed one -baking is fun, nearly being bludgeoned into unconsciousness by horny drunks, not so much. Putting that aside, today is Halloween. I should probably post something spooky, but really there’s probably enough of that around. So instead I’m going to say: #1  I’m happy to be somewhere that is not a horror film, and #2 that the Simpsons Halloween specials are AWESOME.

There's nothing scarier than grinning veggies, aside from children coming to your door and demanding candy

‘Tis the season for the creepy, crawly, and gruesome… and it’ll grue-some-more before I’m done ( puntastic!). Halloween, if you aren’t going out dressed in an ironic/slutty/superhero-themed/in-joke-referencing thing (or some combination of those), then in all likelihood you will be staying in and avoiding the orange and black novelty drinks, the highly colourful food, and the upchucking at 4 a.m. This is what I’m going to do, and of course that means that a film or series of films that fit the Halloween spectrum must be honoured. Last year it was the Alien(s) Quadrology, and aside from sleeping through most of Aliens 3 (really, a prison, a cow incubator, eff that dreary stuff) it was great.  Aliens has the right amount of action, horror and gore for a Halloween session. I have spoken elsewhere about the best sequel ever, but Aliens is a damn close second place, I still maintain Hicks is the best character of the whole series including Ripley.

Awesome, wearing awesome, with a backdrop of awesome in a film that's awesome.....

This year I’m stumped for ideas, Friday the 13th? There is no way I can stay conscious long enough to watch all of them. The Omen? Maybe, but the soundtrack grates on me. Anything by Stephen King? I guess, if i can’t find anything better, but I am not watching Cujo again, sooooo boooooring! As you can see this year I’m being all grouchy and indecisive.

Which brings me to my idea, I’m going to make a generic Halloween story, and then find something that is nothing like it to watch. Think it’ll work? Let’s find out, kids!

It all began on a dark and stormy night, in an unspecified and creepy abandoned location of the sort easily found in a declining mid-Western town. A defunct hospital, library, or failed mill, mine, taxidermists,wax house, circus, etc. A blood curdling howl resounds as a wide-shot of the decrepit facades fades into an inane title.

This seems like a completely appropriate place to spend my leisure time!

Our heroes, intrepid, young and attractive, are; an Alpha male (a.k.a A.M.) with light brown hair and rippling muscles, an Alpha female a.k.a. Alfette) plucky, blonde and a generally dimwitted creature, the Beta female (a.k.a Beta), marginally less attractive than her friend and far more socially conscious and intelligent, usually a brunette but a redhead will do, a Minority male (a.k.a. Cheech), who would in effect be the Alpha male if it wasn’t for his cripplingly-debilitating-Hollywood-disease of not being Caucasian (he is Black/South Asian/ East Asian/Hispanic) he makes up for the injustice of the media world by being funny, and finally we have  Muscly male (a.k.a Biff because I say so), he is silent but kind and way too big to be in High School, unless he’s on lots of steroids. All are socially acceptable as none have teased a retard/beaten up some sad guy/ or laughed at somewhat inappropriate remarks in the first 5 minutes of the film. They shall be referred to as Team Trope, unless referred to individually.

We abide by the one minority only rule, so choose yours wisely.

A.M. says to Team Trope “Let us all go, at night, to that place that everyone says to stay away from, I believe much amusement may be gleaned from these sorts of hijinks”, Beta responds   “I am wary of this situation, there are stories that I do not believe but acknowledge the wisdom of, about this place.”, Cheech retorts with witticism about fear. Alfette announces “ohemgee!!! Kittens, Puppies, Boys- let’s follow A.M. as he is good-looking and has acquired very basic survival skills”. Biff remains silent, perhaps experiencing an untold existential crisis.

Team Trope advances on towards abandoned interior location #1. As they enter the door, the location is shown to be in relatively good condition, with many objects strewn across the floor as if intentionally, also an inordinate amount of cobwebs hang and drape over everything.

YAY! Look guys, this is so much better than getting drunk and making out!

Beta remarks ” This appears to be rather peculiar- instead of removing objects that could have been used somewhere else there are still many things here, I am confused by this as looters should have stripped the lead from the roof, the copper from the wires, the current economy would dictate that unattended real estate such as this would be a haven for drug addicts and crack-” Beta is interrupted by Alphatte squealing about shiny things.

Team Trope follow ditz-face to the shiny thing/artifact of doom. A dark ominous shadow passes unseen behind them in abrupt movements.

A.M.- “we have found a shiny!”, Cheech -” yeah! your mom is a shiny!”, Biff- “…”

How could something shiny ever possibly be bad? I guess it must be shinning with goodness!

SUDDENLY, a loud noise such as a thunderclaps or a door banging.

“It is late, we should return to our residences, wherein our parents shall be waiting for us, as despite all appearing to be in our mid-20s, we maintain the pleasant fiction that we are 16, and highly physically developed” says Beta nervously.

Team Trope acquiesces, and they return to mid-western town of small size, and unimportant economical profitability which somehow is doing well, it also has strong family values and a high-school far larger than necessary for a town of 4000 inhabitants, especially as with the tendency of one child families there really should be far fewer students, but whatever.

Next evening (daylight shots are implied but unnecessary as the director just graduate from art school and wishes to keep the theme of darkness prevalent within the film by never showing daylight). A.M. speaks “Today we have learned much from our surprisingly well-informed teachers,  they informed us that the shiny/artifact of doom is of an ancient civilization and is said to hold much mystic power, however as a WASP I shall ignore all cultures but my own and mock those who do not share my value system”, Cheech nods and utters a confirming statement while his eyes sadden with the knowledge that his cultural heritage is being eroded by jack-wangs like his friend. The women understand their place and smile idiotically. Biff remains silent, thinking of a past trauma which has marked him in a deep and powerful way, or he’s thinking about the meatloaf in the fridge. Damn that meatloaf is tasty.

Team Trope sit down and watch a film together, screen resolution is high as Alfette’s parents have a tv the size of most garage doors, for no apparent reason. A phone call interrupts the film. The phone is picked up, but only white noise is heard. “That is peculiar, as this phone is brand new, also despite being a child of the 21st Century I don’t understand that a connection problem is most likely caused by my service provider and not the phone receiver itself, adding to this I shall not check caller-I.D. until several calls later” says Beta. Why she is answering someone else’s phone is unknown. I blame a broken society and badly mannered parents but anyway. Alfette flips her blonde hair over her shoulder and proclaims meaningfully”BANANA!” she then resumes playing with her hair. Team Trope’s film is interrupted several more times by the unnerving phone calls. Eventually Biff points at the caller-I.D. with a solemn finger, saying not a word.

Caller-what-now? How the eff am I supposed to know, I only got a speaking part because I'm dating the producer.

“GASP! The calls are coming from inside the house, Let’s all split up so as to make it easier for whomever is baiting us to execute us one by one!” Team Trope nods and departs in different directions from the large McMansion’s living room. Alfette goes to the elevator, which she is relatively sure wasn’t there ever before. “Hmmm” she says to herself out loud ” I am relatively sure that wasn’t there before, especially as I have previously mentioned that this was the house I grew up in and I just passed a very large staircase, SPARKLYKITTENS!” She enters and realises that she has made a rookie mistake of getting into an evil elevator in her house. Her head is severed from her body as she attempts to exit the elevator when it is between floors, she was too blonde to press the emergency stop button or call for help. This has been a handy plot device for the director as it allows him to maintain his artistic leanings by stating that her ascension to another floor is symbolic of her ascension to paradise. Seriously? You’re not kidding anyone, this is not high art, you got a low GPA and now you’re stuck making slasher movies, the dreams is over, get back to the blood.

Team Trope hear Alfette’s death howl and run to the area that the noise is emanating from. On the way Beta encounters the spectral figure of a creepy kid, who happens to have red eyes. The child disappears and leaves a bloody hand-print on the wall. I mean really, there was a faucet just through that door, you couldn’t have washed your hands? You had to smear that stuff on the walls???

Team Trope arrive at the location of Alfette’s demise, there is no elevator only the severed head of their fallen comrade, a conversation ensues in which all members of the team state the obvious. “Alfette is dead”, “Her head has been cut off”, “She had blond hair”, “She is dead” etc.

A loud noise knocks Team Trope out of their cycle of repetition, oh no what new horror has befallen them? ZOMBIES!!!! MONSTERS!!!! INDIAN BURIAL GROUNDS AND CREEPY FOG ALL ENTER STAGE LEFT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hastily the team organise the building of an absurdly ineffective barricade. A zombie dragging its partially severed ankle succeeds in breaking through , Biff is nearly mauled by a small child like zombie with eyeballs hanging out of its sockets. The slow moving zombies, uncoordinated and shambolic encounter problems when doors are closed, lacking the dexterity to handle a doorknob. Team Trope ignoring this potentially life saving fact, run out of the house, abandoning a relatively safe location for an open air location which will be undefendable.

Let's go out into the fog, there's no way something could hide from us in there, or that we would lose any tactical advantage!

Team Trope arrive at the creepy cemetery and encounter a midget psychic who gives yet more exposition, describing the shiny/ artifact of doom and explaining how to destroy said artifact by doing a simple set of Paganistic rituals. During this time zombies have easily encircled the undependable area. Cheech and Biff honourably sacrifice themselves needlessly giving the rest of the team no extra time, merely a severe sense of loss and a growing sense of futility.

The shiny/object of doom is destroyed but in a twist, the evil entity enters the midget psychic. A.M. and Beta share a passionate kiss, “It has always been you I have been enamored with” says Beta, “You are the one with boobs who survived” says A.M. passionately. Midget Psychic’s eyes glow red and the screen cuts to black with a scream dubbed over it.

So can anyone please recommend a film to me that is the polar opposite of that?!


About nemhulye

Born circa 1980 something.

2 responses to “The one where I’m grateful I’m not in a Horror Movie…

  1. Marty ⋅

    A++, Would watch this movie! 😀

  2. Dee Dee ⋅

    i am more into comedies but this is should also add blue bloody cakes and poisonous champagne.adding a bit of real life newer fails you down 🙂

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